I’m gonna give it to you straight, friend. There’s only one proper way to enjoy the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movies, and that is to buy a box turtle (presuming you do not already own one; do not leave this to a snapping turtle, as they’re more likely to consume a chunk of your finger than make a reasonable movie-night recommendation, much like Rex Reed), place three pieces of turtle food representing each title in the series on the floor at equidistant length and let the reptile be your guide.
According to my turtle, Howard, you should watch the “Fifty Shades” movies in this order:
- “Fifty Shades of Grey” (2015)
- “Fifty Shades Darker” (2016)
- “Fifty Shades Freed” (2017)
My man is conventional, but he also understands that this is a saga told chronologically. They might be sexually charged, but, unlike the 28 “Blondie” movies made between 1938 and 1950, you can’t just hop around. “Memento” this is not.
In any event, no matter what your turtle advises, what happens when you check out all three movies and want to watch more sexually charged dramas? I’m going to put Howard back in his aquarium and take it from here.